• Shandelynn Hillard, LMFT

NEVER a Shirley, always a Barbara!

Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic, but if you know the story it was 🗣 #dramatic asf. So here is the lesson I received in this beloved song. Real #love stands through the test of time, however, attachments vary. #Trauma bonds are formed and BAMN #thirty years are gone and I’m pretty sure we have nothing more than the pain that brought us together.


If you don’t know these two staples of old school R&B, let me fill you in. Shirley and her man lived together and one night she went through his pockets to wash his clothes and was shocked at what she found. #Shirley found the number of another woman tucked neatly away. Shirley decided to call the woman and pretty much tell her how she’s a home wrecker. I’ll stop here because this is #tew much! Shirley, my girl, leave that lady alone and deal with your #man. So the lesson, if you have to do THE MOST to keep someone around, just don’t. Someone who wants to be around will do everything in their #power to do just that, #stay. There has to be a place that we can get to, where we communicate when something is wrong. I say communicate fully, about everything, all the time! However, as a complex human myself, I understand how hard of a task this can be.


So, if he decided to stay after this talk or leave, consider it a lesson that turns into a #blessing. If that’s with you, awesome! If not, move around. A common theme I’ve found this year is that our identities sometimes are so fragile and we let too many things slide. I see it two ways, either you never knew who you truly were so you blended with everyone. Hey there #chameleon! Or, you knew exactly who you were and merged once you got into a relationship. It’s amazing how many people found that they no longer knew who they were once things ended. They tend to no longer recognize themselves and becoming a shell of themselves. Have you ever been in this place? How did you handle this? Where you the Barbara, Shirley or Mr. Charlie of your story?


My takeaways are:

1. Allow yourself to be an #autonomous being. Enjoy being with yourself, even in a relationship.

2. It’s an amazing feeling being in ♥️, but don’t forget those that supported you prior to the #relationship. Spend time with those people too. All of your relationships are important and having a place to go or people to hang with, so #makeitlastforever *cues Keith Sweat*

3. Buy yourself gifts, take the trips, tell yourself nice things. Your #soul smiles when she/he feels love!


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Above else, recognize the #redflags and act accordingly! Life is too short for #inconsistent significant others.

Counting down to THIRTY-5

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